Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math