Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
You Might Also Like
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Rather alarming headline…
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
also my go-to takeaway order
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.