What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check