“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
this has done me in for some reason
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.