i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
How about daylight saves us for once
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me buying fruit and veg
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”