ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
me doing my best
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth