you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed