Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

I fixed it. For me

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.