me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
#growingpains
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*