How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?