How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.