Oh yeah that’s it
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?