Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
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Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I’M CRYINGGG
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*