Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

☠️ ☠️

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”