I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
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my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Bear knowledge
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.