saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
i made a craigslist ad !
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.