We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.