Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Close call…

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.