Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Whoa 😂
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying