Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

So sorry

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

But is it really??

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

twitter is a journey

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor