Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big