Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*pronounces fake like saké*
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
you’re damn right i have
