Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
This why you should mind your business
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
how DARE
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years