You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
live, laugh, laundry.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
