If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*launders Kohls cash*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(