god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices