I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
