Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?