Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

WHY would you be happy about this?

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

A Short Story.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car