That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out