My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit