Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.