Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.