Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

This hospital has everything

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

I need a headline like this

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.