*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
work smarter, not harder
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.