*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.