Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

I’m Sold!

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’