Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter