Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

😬

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

why no one uses midhusbands

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

*orders delivery*

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Twitter remains undefeated