If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
There is no “we” in pizza
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.