Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.