Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

I ain’t wearing no wire

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.