What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
