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How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that鈥檚 where I was going.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Couldn鈥檛 afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
My baby鈥檚 daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.