gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.