Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Is your wife single?

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!