Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.