Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
accurate
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
lol
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first