I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
