When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.