Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Talk about a bad egg

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”