I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.